Secret Heart

Someone asked me what i see in one of my friends...when i tried to explain that person said they'd rather just dislike this friend of mine than understand him... That statement surprised me, especially because of who was saying it. I thought better of that person. Is it horrible of me that the first word that popped into my head was ignorent? Someone would rather dislike someone than understand them after going through all the trouble to ask about it. Maybe that person expected some shallow reply from me or a simple i don't know. Saying I don't know would have been a whole lot easier because it's really hard to explain. Perhaps i wasn't explaining it well? I don't know I just thought that was a little sad.

I've realized...I burry myself in everything I do...so i don't have to feel anything... I haven't really cried in a long long time...I wont let myself cry....I don't want to be weak.

Today went okay thus far. I sorted somethings out with a couple people and now it doesn't feel like the Whole world is against me but i do have to deal with some stuff. ugh.

It's so hard to keep up with one blog let alone the several I have. No one reads this one so I feel pretty comfortable just posting whatever here I don't have to worry about pissing anyone off or hurting someones feelings. The only reason I write these things is because I have no one to talk to. Hell even my fish died. I hold my tears inside and smile so no one can see how sad I really am. I'm not sure I was ever meant to be really happy anyway.

I feel awful and I don't even know why anymore. Does it even matter? Idk.

I don't feel much of anything anymore but when I do it's usually depression or anger. I keep pissing people off. I have a habit of saying the wrong thing at just the wrong time. I am also finding that I myself am more easily pissed off. blah